He said
I thought I would write about this someday when I had the neat packaged ending to the story. But that has changed today. I sat wailing in desperation and despair to God. Jaret trying to offer helpful suggestions, but it all seemed to come back to me doing something. I cried/yelled/wailed/screamed out to God, "I have done all I know to do!!! I have nothing left to give you!!!!!!"
Then I thought of praise; I can always give Him praise. So I began thanking Him for all the little and big things that came to mind. Along with more tears of bitter desperation. I thought about how I felt He wanted me to declare to others what He has done, and I told one of the stories here earlier. I tried to think through the different things along this journey that He has done, and when I remembered this one, I felt a clear impression that He wanted me to write it.
So here it is:
I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer on January 9th. It came on the wave of a year+ of hard/draining health stuff for me and also Jaret and Smith. I was 10 days out from bunion surgery, and I was still elevating my foot constantly. We had had the biopsy done the day after Christmas, and though the kids knew I was getting 'stabbed in the neck with a needle" and were praying, we never really talked about what it was for, really thinking it was nothing.
So we went to the appointment where they tell you that you have cancer. At the age of 36. As a mom of 4 young kids. I remember Jaret making a scoffing, 'you've got to be kidding me' kind of sound when the doctor said it. I think it was like, "After all that we have been going through, this is really what you are telling us?"
We left in a sort of daze. What do you do with news like that? We didn't want to go home. Didn't want to go out. Ended up in a movie theater parking lot. I sat behind Jaret because my foot was still in pain and had to be propped. So we had to look at each other in the rear view mirror, him patting my booted leg and me patting his shoulder over the seat as we cried and processed. I thought then that it was so pathetic how we couldn't even really look at or touch each other, that someday it would be funny.
Thyroid cancer is considered "the cancer to have". Very curable, particularly at my age. But the fact is that the cure rate isn't 100%, and being the person I am, I am very aware of the fact that someone has to make up the percentage that don't survive. A couple of days into the diagnosis, life began to feel very dark.
People were amazing. Offering us a vacation, babysitting for our kids, etc., but I began to wonder if I was embarking on lasts. The last time Jaret and I would ever take a getaway. My sisters talked about fall plans, and I wondered if I would be around for it. I had missed seeing some missionary friends when they were home over Christmas, and began to wonder if I'd be alive when they returned in the summer.
I read Psalm 143, and related with much of it. Verse 7&8: "Come quickly Lord for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you." We had friends who faced cancer not long before us, and I knew they felt comfort from God that it was going to be ok. I remember thinking, "That would be nice, but God, I don't know if I'd believe it if you did it, " and pretty much let it drop.
A day or two later I lay reading my Bible. I read Psalm 27. If you read it, it is obvious that the heart cry would match mine at that point in life. I so longed for comfort from the fears surrounding me. Excerpts:
The Lord is my light and my salvation-so why should I be afraid?
The one thing I ask of the Lord-the thing I seek most-is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in his temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come.
Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me!
Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation!
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
I looked up from my the Psalm and my eyes were drawn to a verse on the next page. It stood out because it was underlined in red, and I rarely write in my Bible.
I read the verse, and an unreal kind of hope began to be awakened in me. Could this be the comfort I had desired but had been too faithless to ask for? But my skeptical nature quickly reared it's head, and I thought, I don't want to take this as something it's not just because I am so desperately desiring comfort. Then I noticed the words written besides the verse: "thyroid 1/14". Thyroid?!!!! I could hardly believe it. I knew distinctly that it was from the Lord, for me to claim for this time in my life.
I must have come across that verse a year before when the nodule was first found. I remember being afraid, but don't remember underlining the verse at all. God had prepared it in advance to comfort me. I cried with joy and praise. The darkness of 'lasts' left me.
I have a God who does not lie. He does all that He says He will do. I sit here in the worst shape I have been in since receiving the promise above. Despairing as every day passes and I am no better, coming to Him again with all the fears and pain, reading the same things about Him being the rescuer, listening and answering when we call, praying the same prayers over and over, and yet receiving no relief. It begins to feel very unbearable. Yet, I know that He will restore me to health, just like He said. It will be my pleasure to tell you when He has finished the work He set out to do.
Then I thought of praise; I can always give Him praise. So I began thanking Him for all the little and big things that came to mind. Along with more tears of bitter desperation. I thought about how I felt He wanted me to declare to others what He has done, and I told one of the stories here earlier. I tried to think through the different things along this journey that He has done, and when I remembered this one, I felt a clear impression that He wanted me to write it.
So here it is:
I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer on January 9th. It came on the wave of a year+ of hard/draining health stuff for me and also Jaret and Smith. I was 10 days out from bunion surgery, and I was still elevating my foot constantly. We had had the biopsy done the day after Christmas, and though the kids knew I was getting 'stabbed in the neck with a needle" and were praying, we never really talked about what it was for, really thinking it was nothing.
So we went to the appointment where they tell you that you have cancer. At the age of 36. As a mom of 4 young kids. I remember Jaret making a scoffing, 'you've got to be kidding me' kind of sound when the doctor said it. I think it was like, "After all that we have been going through, this is really what you are telling us?"
We left in a sort of daze. What do you do with news like that? We didn't want to go home. Didn't want to go out. Ended up in a movie theater parking lot. I sat behind Jaret because my foot was still in pain and had to be propped. So we had to look at each other in the rear view mirror, him patting my booted leg and me patting his shoulder over the seat as we cried and processed. I thought then that it was so pathetic how we couldn't even really look at or touch each other, that someday it would be funny.
Thyroid cancer is considered "the cancer to have". Very curable, particularly at my age. But the fact is that the cure rate isn't 100%, and being the person I am, I am very aware of the fact that someone has to make up the percentage that don't survive. A couple of days into the diagnosis, life began to feel very dark.
People were amazing. Offering us a vacation, babysitting for our kids, etc., but I began to wonder if I was embarking on lasts. The last time Jaret and I would ever take a getaway. My sisters talked about fall plans, and I wondered if I would be around for it. I had missed seeing some missionary friends when they were home over Christmas, and began to wonder if I'd be alive when they returned in the summer.
I read Psalm 143, and related with much of it. Verse 7&8: "Come quickly Lord for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you." We had friends who faced cancer not long before us, and I knew they felt comfort from God that it was going to be ok. I remember thinking, "That would be nice, but God, I don't know if I'd believe it if you did it, " and pretty much let it drop.
A day or two later I lay reading my Bible. I read Psalm 27. If you read it, it is obvious that the heart cry would match mine at that point in life. I so longed for comfort from the fears surrounding me. Excerpts:
The Lord is my light and my salvation-so why should I be afraid?
The one thing I ask of the Lord-the thing I seek most-is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in his temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come.
Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me!
Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation!
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
I looked up from my the Psalm and my eyes were drawn to a verse on the next page. It stood out because it was underlined in red, and I rarely write in my Bible.
I read the verse, and an unreal kind of hope began to be awakened in me. Could this be the comfort I had desired but had been too faithless to ask for? But my skeptical nature quickly reared it's head, and I thought, I don't want to take this as something it's not just because I am so desperately desiring comfort. Then I noticed the words written besides the verse: "thyroid 1/14". Thyroid?!!!! I could hardly believe it. I knew distinctly that it was from the Lord, for me to claim for this time in my life.
I must have come across that verse a year before when the nodule was first found. I remember being afraid, but don't remember underlining the verse at all. God had prepared it in advance to comfort me. I cried with joy and praise. The darkness of 'lasts' left me.
I have a God who does not lie. He does all that He says He will do. I sit here in the worst shape I have been in since receiving the promise above. Despairing as every day passes and I am no better, coming to Him again with all the fears and pain, reading the same things about Him being the rescuer, listening and answering when we call, praying the same prayers over and over, and yet receiving no relief. It begins to feel very unbearable. Yet, I know that He will restore me to health, just like He said. It will be my pleasure to tell you when He has finished the work He set out to do.
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