(Group?) Counseling Session Via Blog

I'm learning some things about my communication and personality through these past few years that I never would have identified before. I have affectionately been likened to "Anne-girl" for a good share of my life, and have agreed with the association, due to my tendency to use flowery language to describe things, or be somewhat silly/funny in over-expressing emotion and drama in life. So dramatic is a description that I would accept of myself.

However, there have been several times that people very close to me have told me that I have expressed things to them in such a calm way, that it seems like it is no big deal. But when we parted and they thought back on the actual experiences I verbalized, they said they would have been screaming and/or weeping if they were saying the same stuff to me. In one instance, I found out I hurt my friend because I was so matter of fact and non-emotional about something we were discussing. 

Those revelations sort of surprised me, and it took me a while of reflection to even see that side of myself because I had always been "Anne-girl". Yesterday something triggered the realization that I tend to be funny/overly dramatic when the topic isn't feeling vulnerable or scary. Or maybe at other times when I could feel overwhelmed or scared by something, but I want to keep it light. The more vulnerable or threatening a topic is, the more likely I am to down play it or to speak very matter of factly about it. I can release my deep emotions about fears and vulnerability in a way that isn't "Anne-girlish" OR matter of fact, but it has to be in a place where I am feeling very, very safe. 

This has probably been a hindrance (Jaret has told me repeatedly) in doctoring. I am very calm, low key, and logical at my appointments, subconsciously not wanting to be the drama queen I fear I am. Without a clear picture of what things are like, the doctors really can have next to no idea what my daily life is looking like, therefore, there is less motivation to try to fix things.

I realize, too, that since I embrace this picture that I'm dramatic, when health things happen to me, I tend to down play them. I think they will just go away, or they will end soon. In the past few years, this has not frequently been the case. Recently I miscarried an unexpected baby, and was taken to the hospital via ambulance due to blood loss. During the process, I kept thinking I was surely fine. The bleeding was bound to stop any time. It was the middle of the night.  I didn't want to put anyone out if things were really fine, etc. etc.  Looking back it was ridiculous that I didn't get help hours before Jaret found me passed out in the bathroom.

I wish I was confident in who God has made me. That I didn't pigeon hole myself just because I sense that people view me a certain way. That I didn't second guess myself all the time, when deep in my heart I know the things that I'm thinking have validity, even though I hear the critical voices in my head.

On a loosely related note, Jaret loves who he is. He is comfortable with his strengths and weaknesses and is genuinely glad for who God made him. When he does personality tests, he likes what it says, and he likes the other people that it says he's like. He doesn't get intimidated or filled with self doubt. I, on the other hand, find myself tiresome. I am not drawn to the other people that personality tests say I'm like, and I am generally not thrilled with summations of who I am. In almost any situation, I quickly think of how I could be seeing something wrong, how some inadequacy in me is contributing to an issue, and generally doubt myself and my perspective. 

I think it's so easy to feel alone in things like this. But I am reminded that the Word says that no struggle is new or unfamiliar. I talked to someone recently who I see as a pillar of our community. She expressed having had deep fears and doubts about anyone showing up or caring about a momentous occasion in their lives. I was so surprised to learn she felt that way. 

I wonder why some of us doubt ourselves so, when it just brings additional pain to life. Any thoughts from you out there? Would you identify more with Jaret or me in how you view yourself and your place in the world? If you have struggled with your validity, have you had any helpful breakthroughs? 


Comments

Christen Leigh said…
I am definitely more like you than Jaret. I have learned it isn't that healthy for me to take personality tests. They make me feel really trapped and panicky & I am almost always annoyed by at least some of the traits listed in my profiles. :) We must be sisters.

I love you lots! Not sure that I am offering anything helpful, but I guess you're not alone. :)
smw said…
Aww. This makes me love you even more. :) perhaps I should take the 'no personality test' approach, too. I used to think they were fun, but that is rarely the feeling I am left with at this point.
leah said…
love the honesty in this post. (and the "anne-girl" label. hehe).

i can relate to aspects of what you say here - often wishing i was a different version of myself or seeing who i COULD be if it wasn't for insecurity and fear that makes me a "worse" version of myself. :P sadly, i don't really have any answers. like christen said, love you & you are not alone.

also: for some reason andrew peterson's song "be kind to yourself" kept coming to my mind as i read this and thought of my own story - i'm sure i've mentioned it to you before (it's great).
smw said…
I don't know if you have ever talked to me about that song, but Jaret found it a within the last couple months and played it for the girls, and me and avi cried.

comforting to know I'm not alone, but also sad you can relate.
LOVED this post! I resonated with it SO MUCH and I will need to do some thinking about it. Hmm. (BTW, Klint is very similar to how you described Jaret).

I personally have this underlying fear that people won't "believe me". It can haunt me!

So thankful you shared this post and I love how you write. And I just LOVE group counseling sessions...haha!

Love you!
Sarah
smw said…
You are always a voice of understanding in my life. So soothing. :) I relate to that 'they won't believe me' fear. It's all so yucky and feels quite dumb to me sometimes. I suppose we will all battle certain things our whole lives, but I have this ideal in my head that somehow I can get ok and never feel worried or threatened by what others may think of again. (And not in a psycho path way of not worrying.) ;) probably that ideal isn't very realistic...??!!
T and M said…
typically i would be more like Jaret. I've always liked and enjoyed anazlying personalities and have generally felt confident that the Lord likes who I am, even if others don't ( :
However, recent health struggles have highlighted that I also have fears/insecurities about whether others will believe me. I have also learned that (specifically people who don't know me) sometimes do have a hard time taking me seriously because I am quiet or calm or stoic when expressing something serious or big. I find this kind of irritating but am glad to know it, even if I'm not sure that I can change it. I have typically felt like I was expressing myself quite clearly and openly, but Trent and others are good for me in reminding me that I may be a little too optimistic, leading me to not be as open about hard things as I thought.
Well, that was a whole lot of thoughts without many conclusions! ( :
smw said…
I love hearing your thoughts, and though we are different in some of our personality traits, I relate with your heart and feelings so much! Do wish that knowing what we are struggling with meant we had answers, but such is NOT life. :)

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