The Soap Box of a Cancerous Woman

Beware: This post contains controversial thoughts. But being a person who takes people's opinions very seriously and considers them for whatever merit that may be there, I'm calling this my turn to speak.  And I'll use the cancer card.  It's got to have a perk or two...

Going into this journey,  I did well for about three weeks.  Lots of emotion, but really felt pretty peaceful and rather serene given all that has been going on in our lives.  But then things kind of crashed and burned.  Totally out of the blue.  Totally out of my control.  In a way that I would never have anticipated.

I had imagined this cancer being a chance for God to use me as a testimony of His goodness and miraculous sustenance. Instead, I became a bawling mess, afraid to even let Jaret leave me (due to the aforementioned event).  Never mind doing medical testing in front of the people I imagined I might be a 'witness' to.  At one point after being unable to complete a test and falling apart in the doctor's office as the staff hung around doing their duties pretending not to notice me, I asked Jaret how this was supposed to be a glory to God.  He didn't really have an answer, and I took comfort in the fact that at least Jaret's faithful care is a picture of God's love.

It is wearying to be here and yet feel such a pressure to perform in order to "make much of Jesus" or 'bring glory to God".  The pressure is internal, yet it is also preached high and low. If I just keep the correct perspective, God will be glorified. If I keep it all together in the face of daunting circumstances, much will be made of Jesus.  Performance.  Not as in acting, but as in: it is up to me.

This may be just that I am weak and wimpy, and if so, that's fine. There may be another weak or wimpy person out there someday that relates. But during this time, I need Jesus to hold me. I am not his banner child. I do not strongly declare, nor do I necessarily believe, that this is His good plan for me. (I say 'necessarily' because I am not God, so I don't presume to have His ways all figured out.)

I DO believe He will bring good from this.  And while I wait, I can sense Him holding me when I trust that He is grieving with me. When I believe that my tragedy is more to him than a necessary piece in the puzzle of His Grand Scheme. When I remember that He (and I) have an enemy that we are fighting who comes to kill and steal and destroy. And that my God wins everything in the end.

If God is glorified through this, it will not be because I suffered correctly or performed well.  It will be because I serve a God who steps in time after time and carries the broken to victory.


editing this to add: After thinking about this post, I realized that people could worry that they have said something wrong to me (since I do have cancer and all) so I wanted to be clear that this was not me addressing any comments that have been made to me. Just recording the wrestlings inside of myself and declaring the truths that have brought freedom and peace and refuting the thoughts that do the opposite.