Glimpses
To the sweet, faithful people who read and care about my life,
I'm tired.
It's been awhile since I wrote, and it seems that things I said months ago still apply. Good and bad. Truly, I have made progress, but it is so slow. When I look back to the beginning of the summer it's obvious. If I look back a month, not really.
I battle fears a lot. I could occupy my brain space constantly with one thing that could freak me out after another. I'm doing my best not to live like that, but it's a battle, and sometimes I am not a good soldier.
I wrote before of the promise God gave me at the beginning of this. This summer, He gave me another one. I have spent the two months since struggling with doubt regarding it. However, he has confirmed it (I kid you not) 4 times in crazy, overt ways.
Yesterday I was reading a book that said that Satan's first recorded words were, "Did God really say...?" And here I thought it was me coming up with that thought! Thinking I was being responsible to be cautious and protect myself. The fact is that to believe the second promise makes me feel vulnerable. That if 'God doesn't come through', I will have to struggle through that. I like to believe safe, easy things that don't leave much at stake.
I have struggled with the fact that the promise doesn't always feel comforting to me. That when I'm low I don't just go back to it and think, "Well, He said..., so I know... " Instead, I tend to think, "You said, ... So why does it not seem to be happening?!" Hence the constant desire to dismiss the promise as my imagination.
Today I was texting a friend who said (regarding my fears and faith), "Just remember ... the enemy is hitting you at what he believes to be your area of greatest strength in terms of kingdom work. He knows just how critical men and women of faith are..."
It struck me that quite possibly God did not give me the promise (or promises) only as a comfort to me. If they are comforting (and they have been at times), then He IS comforting me. But when they feel like far off realities that are almost tormenting, nothing is wrong. I realized that maybe another, possibly more important, role for the promises exists.
I caught a glimpse today that the promises are exercising my faith. When I feel like things have been so long and so hard and sometimes don't seem to line up to the promises, I struggle and wrestle and fear (and feel like I'm going crazy), but ultimately reaffirm my trust and wait some more. This realization was so very comforting. There is nothing wrong going on here. What is happening in the waiting has a point. In His mercy, He is giving me a peek at what's going on. I'm thankful for each tiny piece of clarity in the midst of this hard, murky time.
I'm tired.
It's been awhile since I wrote, and it seems that things I said months ago still apply. Good and bad. Truly, I have made progress, but it is so slow. When I look back to the beginning of the summer it's obvious. If I look back a month, not really.
I battle fears a lot. I could occupy my brain space constantly with one thing that could freak me out after another. I'm doing my best not to live like that, but it's a battle, and sometimes I am not a good soldier.
I wrote before of the promise God gave me at the beginning of this. This summer, He gave me another one. I have spent the two months since struggling with doubt regarding it. However, he has confirmed it (I kid you not) 4 times in crazy, overt ways.
Yesterday I was reading a book that said that Satan's first recorded words were, "Did God really say...?" And here I thought it was me coming up with that thought! Thinking I was being responsible to be cautious and protect myself. The fact is that to believe the second promise makes me feel vulnerable. That if 'God doesn't come through', I will have to struggle through that. I like to believe safe, easy things that don't leave much at stake.
I have struggled with the fact that the promise doesn't always feel comforting to me. That when I'm low I don't just go back to it and think, "Well, He said..., so I know... " Instead, I tend to think, "You said, ... So why does it not seem to be happening?!" Hence the constant desire to dismiss the promise as my imagination.
Today I was texting a friend who said (regarding my fears and faith), "Just remember ... the enemy is hitting you at what he believes to be your area of greatest strength in terms of kingdom work. He knows just how critical men and women of faith are..."
It struck me that quite possibly God did not give me the promise (or promises) only as a comfort to me. If they are comforting (and they have been at times), then He IS comforting me. But when they feel like far off realities that are almost tormenting, nothing is wrong. I realized that maybe another, possibly more important, role for the promises exists.
I caught a glimpse today that the promises are exercising my faith. When I feel like things have been so long and so hard and sometimes don't seem to line up to the promises, I struggle and wrestle and fear (and feel like I'm going crazy), but ultimately reaffirm my trust and wait some more. This realization was so very comforting. There is nothing wrong going on here. What is happening in the waiting has a point. In His mercy, He is giving me a peek at what's going on. I'm thankful for each tiny piece of clarity in the midst of this hard, murky time.
Comments
Psalm 34 is a comfort to my fearful self -- hope it will be to you too!
My prayers continue for you!