Aching and Breaking
God has been very present through this difficult time in our lives. There has a fairly constant stream of comfort in things like perfectly timed words from friends, prayers, acts of service, gifts, meals, conversations, and even times that I have sensed God speaking to my heart, and I've known I am not abandoned. This comfort is probably the one reason that I am still here and sane-ish.
However, while He has clearly been present, there has been a lot of deep grief. So many times of coming to what has felt like the end of our ropes, only to go deeper. How do you live in the time of suffering, knowing there is an end, but having no idea when or how? How do you keep reading verses about hope and rescue and answered prayer and not go insane-instead live in joy-though you see no change? He is here, but it often feels like He is standing back and watching, directing others to help with their limited resources instead of stepping in Himself and helping with his infinite ones.
Yesterday a song that I've always hated came to my mind and I thought, "Jaret and I need to listen to that song together." I hate the song because it is melancholy and about suffering. It is by Ginny Owens, who is blind, and it's evident that she knows hard times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVYRc7LtvUA
It prompted a time for us to process. Kind of getting to a place of surrendering together to Him in this awful place that He clearly seems set on having us. Then Jaret looked up two songs that we were reminded of recently.
The first one is "Hard to Get" by Rich Mullins. This song is heartbreakingly honest and made me almost panic with how relatable his words are to how we can feel sometimes. But he wraps it up in about the best way that I think we can as humans. (Lyrics under video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO0a_6EfZAE
And last, "The Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvytewIxll0
We cried together through all of these songs, but it was kind of a beautiful ending. We may only be left with 'the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God' when we try to work through what this time has been about. I think we will probably ache for awhile, too, but it was a comfort to be reminded that this breaking will not go on forever.
However, while He has clearly been present, there has been a lot of deep grief. So many times of coming to what has felt like the end of our ropes, only to go deeper. How do you live in the time of suffering, knowing there is an end, but having no idea when or how? How do you keep reading verses about hope and rescue and answered prayer and not go insane-instead live in joy-though you see no change? He is here, but it often feels like He is standing back and watching, directing others to help with their limited resources instead of stepping in Himself and helping with his infinite ones.
Yesterday a song that I've always hated came to my mind and I thought, "Jaret and I need to listen to that song together." I hate the song because it is melancholy and about suffering. It is by Ginny Owens, who is blind, and it's evident that she knows hard times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVYRc7LtvUA
It prompted a time for us to process. Kind of getting to a place of surrendering together to Him in this awful place that He clearly seems set on having us. Then Jaret looked up two songs that we were reminded of recently.
The first one is "Hard to Get" by Rich Mullins. This song is heartbreakingly honest and made me almost panic with how relatable his words are to how we can feel sometimes. But he wraps it up in about the best way that I think we can as humans. (Lyrics under video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO0a_6EfZAE
And last, "The Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvytewIxll0
We cried together through all of these songs, but it was kind of a beautiful ending. We may only be left with 'the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God' when we try to work through what this time has been about. I think we will probably ache for awhile, too, but it was a comfort to be reminded that this breaking will not go on forever.
Comments
thanks for these songs and for your authenticity.
I am going to add your family on our prayer list. We have been through really, really dark times too - wondering if there was an end in sight. It is so hard to cling to hope during these times. I love how you are processing through them...keeping your eyes on Him. A testimony.
That Ginny Owens song is amazing...