A Few Moments of Sap

A week or two ago our church hosted the national elder conference for our denomination.  It is a pretty big organizational feat, and the whole church was called on to pitch in. I was signed up to help with the Tuesday evening meal.

About two days before it, I went into one of my down turns and was feeling pretty awful again. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it.  At the same time, Jaret was just beginning work at his new job and was doing late nights. So we have me, exhausted in all ways from two years of bad health, in a down turn, with my husband being the least available he's ever been, while I have commitments to keep and four kids to take care of.

As I awoke that morning, I felt very emotional and low; just not knowing how to live life.  More days in bed are emotionally very taxing due to the amount of them I've had to endure, yet sometimes the fatigue, pain and dizziness that come and go make it very difficult to keep on keeping on. It's draining trying to figure out what is the most prudent choice-rest for the body, or go for the mind... Anyway, I decided to go until it became impossible to do so.

It ended working out well, as I actually improved somewhat throughout the day. As I was wrapping things up at the meal, I figured I should check in and see if Jaret was just bringing the kids to meet me at church for the evening service, or if I needed to come home to help. When I got ahold of him, I found out he wasn't going to be home at all until bedtime, so the kids were home without him, undoubtedly not getting ready for church. I had about a half hour until the service started and thought, "I just don't know if I can go get them all ready and come back here and do the evening by myself."  But I knew it meant a lot to Lynn (our pastor) to have us all there if we could be there at all, so I went home and gathered the troops.

It was a good service, but I was weary. I sat there, feeling rather sad about my husband being gone, him traveling more with his new job (and thus times like this happening more often), and feeling a bit low about my health.

But beneath these feelings of fatigue and sadness, I felt very lifted up. I met many of the elders and their wives as I served them.  They were gracious and I was able to make connections with most of them as soon as they knew who my parents were. At one point I met the elder who's wife had the same kind of rare cancer at the same time as my mother in law this fall.  He was so kind, and as he slowly put together who I was, his face lit up at different points.  One of the points was when he realized my grandpa was Bob Grimm.  That used to happen all the time after grandpa died, but hasn't in so long. I can't quite describe why it affected me as it did, but being known in a meaningful, unchanging way by an otherwise complete stranger satisfied some place deep in me that I didn't even know existed.

The evening felt like discovery and connection from the time I poured the first drink to the last conversation I had before walking out the door for home. I had such a sense of belonging, home and family. There was a distinct sense that this was my family in a way just as real as Jaret is. That when he is not around, I am not alone. This was an incredibly comforting experience, as loneliness has been a big part of this time of ill health.  I left with a glow of feeling immeasureably thankful and blessed.