Recovery Part 2. Fears.
In the past couple of months, three things have happened that hit at the heart of some very deep fears. All three of them involve others who have had cancer.
The first was hearing about another mother who had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer about the same time as me, who took her own life. It was haunting. Because I could understand. I never got to the point that I wanted that, but I felt so, SO weird, so out of control of what was going on with me, for SO long that I feared I would do something crazy. One of my deepest fears through the hellishness was that I would lose it and ... I can't even type it.
Processing through hearing that made for some pretty rough weeks. People would speak comfort by saying how God kept me through it. Which He did, and I am very, very grateful. Truly. But I couldn't help but wonder where He was for her.
Then another young mother's battle with cancer ended in her death. She, too, was diagnosed around the same time as I. Aside from the pain of those circumstances, they believed that God had told them that she would live. I won't even try to put words to the kind of pain I imagine that being.
And lastly, my aunt, who beat cancer 7 or 8 years ago, was diagnosed with it shortly after the other two deaths. She was such a support to me through my diagnosis and early recovery. She talked to me specifically about how 'they' say that once you've had cancer, you are more likely to get it again, but she just tries not to think about that, since there's not much constructive you can do about it. The return of cancer to her life was a hard 3rd blow that left me feeling very jaded.
The first was hearing about another mother who had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer about the same time as me, who took her own life. It was haunting. Because I could understand. I never got to the point that I wanted that, but I felt so, SO weird, so out of control of what was going on with me, for SO long that I feared I would do something crazy. One of my deepest fears through the hellishness was that I would lose it and ... I can't even type it.
Processing through hearing that made for some pretty rough weeks. People would speak comfort by saying how God kept me through it. Which He did, and I am very, very grateful. Truly. But I couldn't help but wonder where He was for her.
Then another young mother's battle with cancer ended in her death. She, too, was diagnosed around the same time as I. Aside from the pain of those circumstances, they believed that God had told them that she would live. I won't even try to put words to the kind of pain I imagine that being.
And lastly, my aunt, who beat cancer 7 or 8 years ago, was diagnosed with it shortly after the other two deaths. She was such a support to me through my diagnosis and early recovery. She talked to me specifically about how 'they' say that once you've had cancer, you are more likely to get it again, but she just tries not to think about that, since there's not much constructive you can do about it. The return of cancer to her life was a hard 3rd blow that left me feeling very jaded.
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