Keeping me. Part 3

But, I began to see that I could count on Him. On a deeply dark, lonely day when I knew there was no one available, a friend drove up with a meal. At a store in an area where I never see people I know, God brought a comforting face. Prayers sent via email at just the right time. Endless rainbows to remind me of His promises and how He keeps His word. Verses to give me hope when hope felt so far away. And after years of seeing Him keep me day by day, my prayers began to look a little different sometimes, "Jesus, I have no idea how you are going to get me through this, but I know you are going to show up."

He began to teach me his voice. It became so clear that I COULD NOT listen to the voices of fear in my head. Even when the fear seemed the most logical, sound, evidence based conclusion I could come to. I had to listen for His voice of peace, even when my circumstances wouldn't support hope and peace at all. I really believe my life depended on it.

Jesus has become something so different to me these past 4 years. I no longer believe that His heart towards me is one of waiting to teach me a lesson if I don't do everything perfectly. I was not able to do even the most basic of self care or homemaking tasks, much less anything glorious or praise worthy, and He was present and faithful. His heart for me is love. HE is faithful and true. He is beauty and love, and light and hope and peace, and everywhere I see those things in this world, I'm catching little glimpses of Him at work.

Temptation doesn't always torment me like it has in the past. When I'm tempted, I can remember that this brokenness is why Jesus died. I thank Him and ask Him to keep me. Listening for His voice continues to bring life and hope in a wide variety of applications in my life. He is setting me free.

Throughout these years, people have offered what I know they saw as hope by saying things like, "God will teach you so much through this." or "Someday something good will come from this and you will be glad it all happened." For me, when I didn't know what I didn't know, and all I really knew was that I was a suffering wreck, I honestly could not have cared less what I might possibly learn, and I truly did not believe I would ever be glad for any of the torment that I endured. But in the past half a year, as I've begun to identify how my relationship with Jesus has changed, I am actually saying I wouldn't trade the pain because of who He has become to me.

And as I slowly, slowly, slowly get back to living life more normally and fear that I'll forget, "Jesus, keep me."