A new me (I desperately hope)

People pleasing has been an issue in my life for a long time. Lately it has gotten to the point where I CANNOT stand it. I find myself getting angry a lot. I am mad that I feel responsible to be everything for everyone. To make people around me happy. All the while feeling that no one sees it as their responsibility to make me happy all the time.

I don't like feeling this way. It's not my normal, fairly well adjusted, peaceful self. But is has been good in some ways, since it has been a major indication that something is off.

The first step came when I realized that often, I don't feel like people are all that pleased with me, even though I've tried pretty hard to make them happy. What, may I ask, is the point of bending over backwards to make everyone happy, when in the end, they don't seem all that thrilled with me anyway? It's actually felt good to realize that I would rather not have everyone pleased with me because I'm not trying to gain their good pleasure, than to try so hard to gain it, yet rarely feel that I have it.

So once this truth became clear to me, I was very ready for things to change. I've felt like I could greatly benefit from going to a counselor, but there are a million reasons why that isn't an easy solution. So I've opted for reading about some of the issues that I have instead. (And prayer, of course.)

Yesterday was a horrible day-feeling overwhelmed and like everything was up to me. So after supper, Jaret sent me away, and I went to the library and read for awhile. It was a very helpful, clarifying time. These are the points that stood out, and I type them here for accountability and clarification for when I start to slip back into my people pleasing ways.

• People pleasing is not as selfless as it sounds. I want people to be pleased with me. Definitely some pride and self focus involved here.
• I am responsible for myself. I am to make decisions based on the Holy Spirit's leading in my life, and the peace, or lack there of, that I have regarding decisions. Also, common sense.
• I am a person with needs and desires, too. This is a hard one, because it sounds selfish. But ultimately, I see the breakdown I get to and the nasty person I become when I don't pay attention to what I want.
• I must learn to be direct. Communicate the following three things in any given situation. Thoughts, Feelings, and Wants. Explain what I'm thinking. Say how I feel, and state what I want. Now of course this doesn't mean that I should expect to get what I want all the time, but I need to be honest enough to admit I have desires.
• I am not responsible for other people's response to me. Of course I should communicate my thoughts in a kind way, but if someone is angry or disappointed, it's not my responsibility to make them ok.
• If I am being controlled, manipulated, or used, I am at least 1/2 to blame. The other person is at fault, as well, but I am responsible for myself, and if I allow it, it is my fault.

In the end, I believe it is less selfish for me to honestly and directly express my thoughts and feelings, than to expect others to be thinking of me at all times, trying to figure out what I want and how to make me happy.

So today I had gotten the kids their breakfasts, and they were about done eating, and I had just sat down to eat mine. As I was raising the fork to my mouth for the first bite, Smith asked me to get him a drink. Now admittedly, I should have thought to get him a drink to begin with, but I hadn't, and the thought of getting up and doing another thing before I ate was really annoying to me. So I said, "No, not right now. You can either go and get the water pitcher from the fridge and get it yourself, or wait until I'm done eating."

Did he cry and fuss and make a stink because I didn't do what he wanted at the moment he wanted it? No. He was perfectly fine. I finished my eggs and got him his water. BOY. Did that feel good!!!!