The Other Side

I am sitting here with the glory of free time and no one else awake in the house; so no one around that I feel I need to be tending to in anyway. Definitely a rarity.

We are home from our lovely trip (posts to come about that later), and my kids are asleep. My hubby is, too. Usually we go to sleep together, but he has been feeling yucky today and found out he had a temperature tonight when we got home. (Sorry to all the people near him on the plane.) He conked out while I was writing beside him in bed, so I moved here to the computer to blog about the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head.

I have been feeling really restless lately. I will definitely blame some of it on the weather. I am not a fan of winter past Christmas (and that is putting it mildly). I'll also blame some of it on the fact that we have decided to stay put in our house for the next several years. I don't think it's that I'm not happy or content here, but a year ago I was really feeling like I wanted to do something new. Something that was a fun endeavor. Lighthearted. Exciting. So maybe these feelings stem partially from let down.

With fostering and having babies, it's not like our lives have lacked for new things, but new things that are lighthearted and energizing have been scarce. Buying a new house and having our 'forever' plot of land to do what we wanted with seemed exciting. It was a year ago that we decided to start looking. And now that we've stopped, I feel those same sorts of restless feelings, like I want to be doing something other than what I'm doing.

I've always resisted the need to make mothering 'something', since a lack of attentive parents yields obvious issues all around us, but at times I begin to feel like I am wasting away. It can feel like my only identity is being a wife and mother, yet I know I was a person before marriage and children. There's so little time and energy for any interest of my own, and even if there were, I feel like I've lost touch with what those things would be.

I'm sure these feeling will lessen as spring arrives, and a new haircut and spontaneous trip to Florida have helped a bit in the meantime. None of this is tragic or earth shattering, but I don't think I've ever felt these things before, so it's a little unsettling for me.

I believe we have feelings for a reason. Sort of an indicator of things that might need to be worked through or addressed. I don't know whether I need to change or pick up activities, or if something in my perspective needs refreshing. But I'm thinking and praying, and I trust it will become clear in time.