(Group?) Counseling Session Via Blog

I'm learning some things about my communication and personality through these past few years that I never would have identified before. I have affectionately been likened to "Anne-girl" for a good share of my life, and have agreed with the association, due to my tendency to use flowery language to describe things, or be somewhat silly/funny in over-expressing emotion and drama in life. So dramatic is a description that I would accept of myself.

However, there have been several times that people very close to me have told me that I have expressed things to them in such a calm way, that it seems like it is no big deal. But when we parted and they thought back on the actual experiences I verbalized, they said they would have been screaming and/or weeping if they were saying the same stuff to me. In one instance, I found out I hurt my friend because I was so matter of fact and non-emotional about something we were discussing. 

Those revelations sort of surprised me, and it took me a while of reflection to even see that side of myself because I had always been "Anne-girl". Yesterday something triggered the realization that I tend to be funny/overly dramatic when the topic isn't feeling vulnerable or scary. Or maybe at other times when I could feel overwhelmed or scared by something, but I want to keep it light. The more vulnerable or threatening a topic is, the more likely I am to down play it or to speak very matter of factly about it. I can release my deep emotions about fears and vulnerability in a way that isn't "Anne-girlish" OR matter of fact, but it has to be in a place where I am feeling very, very safe. 

This has probably been a hindrance (Jaret has told me repeatedly) in doctoring. I am very calm, low key, and logical at my appointments, subconsciously not wanting to be the drama queen I fear I am. Without a clear picture of what things are like, the doctors really can have next to no idea what my daily life is looking like, therefore, there is less motivation to try to fix things.

I realize, too, that since I embrace this picture that I'm dramatic, when health things happen to me, I tend to down play them. I think they will just go away, or they will end soon. In the past few years, this has not frequently been the case. Recently I miscarried an unexpected baby, and was taken to the hospital via ambulance due to blood loss. During the process, I kept thinking I was surely fine. The bleeding was bound to stop any time. It was the middle of the night.  I didn't want to put anyone out if things were really fine, etc. etc.  Looking back it was ridiculous that I didn't get help hours before Jaret found me passed out in the bathroom.

I wish I was confident in who God has made me. That I didn't pigeon hole myself just because I sense that people view me a certain way. That I didn't second guess myself all the time, when deep in my heart I know the things that I'm thinking have validity, even though I hear the critical voices in my head.

On a loosely related note, Jaret loves who he is. He is comfortable with his strengths and weaknesses and is genuinely glad for who God made him. When he does personality tests, he likes what it says, and he likes the other people that it says he's like. He doesn't get intimidated or filled with self doubt. I, on the other hand, find myself tiresome. I am not drawn to the other people that personality tests say I'm like, and I am generally not thrilled with summations of who I am. In almost any situation, I quickly think of how I could be seeing something wrong, how some inadequacy in me is contributing to an issue, and generally doubt myself and my perspective. 

I think it's so easy to feel alone in things like this. But I am reminded that the Word says that no struggle is new or unfamiliar. I talked to someone recently who I see as a pillar of our community. She expressed having had deep fears and doubts about anyone showing up or caring about a momentous occasion in their lives. I was so surprised to learn she felt that way. 

I wonder why some of us doubt ourselves so, when it just brings additional pain to life. Any thoughts from you out there? Would you identify more with Jaret or me in how you view yourself and your place in the world? If you have struggled with your validity, have you had any helpful breakthroughs?